||[Mar. 1st, 2013|12:10 pm]
I've felt constantly isolated since high school by the fact I'm just not as interested in music as everyone else. It seems I was up until high school and then it began to just define so many people. It's just never that impressive to me. I almost always feel as though it is over rated. I could take it or leave it in most cases. |
I also feel like when I reach out to people/old friends I am always held at such an arm's length. I don't know why so I can't fix it. I can't seem to penetrate the orb of aqauintenceship to get to friendship.
I just am not a priority in anybody's life right now and that's hard for me, for anyone I think. Everyone needs to feel like they are the first one their friend/someone would call or choose. I feel like an utter outcast. I feel unwelcome and uninvited. I feel like saying these feelings- my feelings-- does/would just make people shy away more because nobody wants to be your friend when you're down.
Negativity is a part of life and I think it's fucking horrible and morally wrong that we're all supposed to hide it and act positive. I fucking hate the once every couple months I do actually reach out to people and say I'm having a rough time they say some vague bullshit like "don't worry, it'll all work out!" Because it's not to make someone feel better genuinely-- it's just to end the conversation because it bums them out.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of losing people I love. I'm tired of loving all of the people in my life more than they love me and prioritizing them higher than they do for me. I'm tired of the lack of empathy people give and the selfish attitudes everyone has. I'm appalled by the lack of courtesy people give and the fact that people will actually say "umm..." and other awkward shit when you pour your heart out to them. Since when were true emotions considered taboo? Since when do we have to only be happy and positive and outgoing and if we happen to feel any other way just say something like "im a little bummed" and then justify it by "but i'll get over it, no sense in dwelling!" Fuck you.