sink

hween

2009-11-05T18:18:17Z

For Halloween I wore this dress. My nana got it made for her in Japan a looong time ago and she got married in it. It fits me pretty well for being made for someone else.

I spent halloween weekend in SM, and will spend this weekend and most likely the following weekend there as well. Can't wait to eat at my fave mediterranean place again mmmm. I won't be selfish with this one www.yelp.com/biz/lahmacun-pizzeria-mediterranean-grill-san-mateo well maybe a little bit because I want them to get a ton of customers so they never close down.

for anyone who gives a shit, I'm doing greeeaaaaat in school. Have an A in all my 16 credits so far.

VOTE

2009-09-26T21:07:53Z

I did one too megan!

http://www.jonessoda.com/gallery/view.php?ID=1085451&offset=2

vote on my jones pic hahaha

assirac @ 2009-09-21T17:25:00

2009-09-22T00:37:11Z

So I had this dream it was you and me and we were at your father's old house in the suburbs. I came over to see if you're still you and to see if I'm still me but it's hard to tell in the summer. I slept for a while in your dove and oatmeal living room the flat screen tv consumed and you asked if I wanted to see the backyard. We went out back and my jaw went slack it had all entirely flooded. Overgrown in ivy leaves, sharp thorns, and big thick trees you asked me if I remembered your mother. I gave a nod and took off my shoes and sweater when you pointed out yonder. Splashing like a determined but wounded soldier I scrambled over to the edge and saw behind all the tinder the painting she had done on the rock years ago. I remember! I remember! Now I remember!

maaail callllll

2009-09-18T18:59:09Z

I have 4 boxes of journals and a car still full of things from my mounted photos from photography to my sewing machine. I'm trying to reorganize and decorate my room to make it as clutter free as possible but it's tricky with all this stuff. Def gotta go through it cause my mom is planning on having a garage sale soon. I don't think I've saved many things I can bear to part with though.

So, I'm back in Oregon. I start school on Monday. The same as ever, I haven't met anyone up here yet to spend time with. Visits and mail are even more appreciated than usual! I've had quite the empty mailbox for months now it seems. Snacks appreciated. I'd also like to have someone to write to and send little things to, but it seems no one else is still interested in snailmail.

Carissa Glenn
19578 Brookside Way
Bend, Oregon
97702

Well now I'll have to make this entry friend's only so i don't get murdered.

As soon as I can afford to buy anything at all I'm going to buy a new power cord for my sewing machine and begin a quilt.

frog

2009-09-03T17:30:47Z

When you even turn your back I miss you. Like an infant, it feels as though you're gone.
I am a sleepy wall frog looking up at you with lime skin eyes.
It takes all my courage, but not any force to let you know I'll love you forever.
My heart runs to the back of my neck and hides. My body tries to faint for self preservation.
When you look at me a little funny and say "You can't know that," I feel as though I'm trying to wake from
some long and tiresome dream. I pinch myself and watch the pale skin make red.

I'mnot saying to be apathetic, I'm just saying to see it more before deciding

2009-08-18T03:58:54Z

I'm not attracted (sexually or otherwise) to people who have strong opinions and/or beliefs in ANYTHING. Even things that I would generally agree with being good such as gay rights or animals. To me it means 2 things. 1. If i know about it it probably means they're outspoken about it which annoys me. It feels like religion or anything else, I don't want to feel pressured to participate or agree. If you're my friend I want to hear about it because I am interested in you and what/how you think. However, I hope you can present your passionate argument in a manner that isn't putting down people who don't agree. 2. Unless you truly have explored the other side of the argument in just as much depth as the argument you are now presenting I feel as though you're closed minded. See both perspectives before representing one side, regardless of emotions. What I mean is so you're very passionately disagree with puppy mills. They are bad, they hurt animals, why would you ever stop to look at the other perspective? It's important to fully realize your argument. Find the origins. Why do people still run these? What are their lives like, is this one of their only options for making money? This isn't to justify puppy mills by saying it's making money for otherwise poor and hungry people so it's ok. It's just to say research what the fuck you're talking about. I'm not talking about statistics like 7,654 puppy die every year from puppy mills. no. That's just another emotional number to get people to be pissed without truly thinking about what it is that they think is wrong and why. Unless someone has full reign over their argument and have explored every corner of both sides, I have no use or care for their argument, unless again, it's a friend just expressing an opinion in which case I'll humor them and listen. Otherwise though, those zines and people in the streets marching. I don't give a fuck about them or what they have to say. Or douchebag vegetarians who make you feel badly for eating meat. Or people who are vegetarians or vegans to obviously just try to fit into a trend or a social scene. Or people who gloat about how bloody and delicious their steak was to try to sound like a badass.

This is all you will ever need to know about me.

2009-08-09T21:12:31Z

www.youtube.com/watch

flock scatter

2009-07-25T16:32:53Z

I'm potentially going to montana the 28-11th to watch my aunt's house and 5 small dogs. Well, i guess only 3 of the dogs will be there. The only problem is I'm supposed to be watching Mikejoyce's house starting Aug 8. So, I'm trying to sort something out where I get someone else to watch it the first few days I'm gone, or come back early.

I'm going back to oregon in mid september for school. here's my schedule:

Psychology of Violence and Aggression Tues and Thurs 1-2:40
Writing 123 Tues and Thurs 3:15-4:30

Computer Concepts -Online
Intro to literature: Fiction (might drop this one if too many credits stresses me out) - Online

Hiking and Backpacking (meets only 8 times from 1-5) - Actually just hiking and backpacking, not learning about it

Lately people ask me why I move around so much. I guess I never realized it, or if I did I didn't delve into thinking about it. It made me question why I do these things. Am I actually running from something? Am I running to something, as in trying to find it? From my perspective I go home when I miss having my own room and space and because I know I do best in school there. I come back to San Mateo quite frankly solely because I miss hanging out with nick and I miss his family. Sometimes I miss candace because she's the only girl friend I have that actually hangs out with me. It's a nice change every now and then from hanging out with a bunch of guys. I shouldn't say that, it's not JUST because she's a female. I obviously enjoy her personality as well. The only other plausible reason would be that I like knowing where everything is; I like knowing my letterboxes are safely tucked away and I can visit them whenever i get the motivation. I like knowing this shop is here and that person lives there. It's comforting.

i go to places like Sacramento and Montana to make money. I wouldn't go to either (for such extended periods of time) if I didn't get paid. Sacramento was a combination of getting paid and getting away from here. Living in the same room as your partner can be trying, especially when it's 'their room' which greatly strangulates your options.

When I'm in oregon I miss it here a lot. When I'm here I miss oregon. Not oregon so much but my own room with all my things and my parents and brother. When I'm in Oregon there's a higher chance of me being creative. i have my own space and silence (oh god yes the silence) and I feel inspired. I want to create like I always have in my own space. Paint, collage, scrapbook, photograph, play my violin and bass, and make comical attempts on my harmonica. I also lose myself for hours at a time at night watching documentry series or movies on netflix instant watch.

When I'm here I watch tv and the occasional movie. Nick often plays music and likes to keep the curtains closed. I've become much more accustomed to these things than I used to be. they used to drain me. It's just nice to co exist. to just be near one another. Here I'm much more likely to go out based on the fact I actually know people here. However, I often don't have the drive to do much of anything considering most people I know still just want to party and drink. I'm just not into it, it doesn't appeal to me anymore. When someone asks if I want to go out to a bar or come over to a party I think hmm sitting at home fucking around online sounds way better than that. Or even like going to bed sounds better. I don't know, one day a switch just flicked and I got over it. Nothing good ever happens from going out and getting hammered for me. **edit** reading this over I'm realizing it's not just the alcohol it's the people. I really don't have any friends who's company i TRULY enjoy besides maybe 2-3. It's lonely because I don't like forcing myself to hang out just for the sake of hanging out. i usually will only go out if i a) am dying of boredom or b) it's with someone I'm guarenteed to enjoy their company.

Anyway, the hardest part about oregon is not knowing anyone with similar interests as me. I met a few people the last times living there and they'd invite me to go out or to parties but I'm really just happier with people that like to hike, camp, watch movies, play video games, cook, paint, whatever.

Unfortunately most people like to make friends based on music preference. I really hate talking about music. I fucking hate discussing music, I do. I don't like 98% of the bands I listen to and I hate debating or discussing differences in music tastes "I dont like that band because of this, I like this band cause of that." Music is really personal and emotional to me and I'd rather just keep it to myself and honestly I really wish other people would do the same around me cause I don't give a fuck and don't want to hear about it because it frustrates me. I realize that I can make friends without discussing music. It's just hard to meet people that I actually get along with. I'm the type of person who is all or nothing with close friends. If we get along well then great! If we don't reall have much in common and it's a mediocre friendship that truly only exists because we're both bored and lonely and have no one else to hang out with then honestly I'm not going to put much at all into the friendship and will probably flake out or just never want to hang out.

yosemite 09

2009-06-26T18:23:05Z

I am a product of war.

2009-06-26T18:06:08Z

both sets of my grandparents met because of the war.

There's nothing to fear but fear itself. Why? Is it because fear just feels taxing and stressful and overall bad, or is it more complicated than that? Fear can make people do desperate things, but worst of all it can make us push so hard one way that the opposite ends up happening. Sometimes to avoid awkward situations (because we're fearful of them) we blurt out what it is that would be awkward in an attempt to get it out of the way. I do this too, it's a defense mechanism. I see this happening often with relationships. Someone likes someone but has been hurt so many times they come fourth on the first couple times talking about it and blurt out every single flaw they can muster because that means if the person still likes them after knowing all that there's a chance they won't leave. Is this really the way to go? Most people say no, it's too much at once and you'll scare them off either because you have too many problems or because you sound too down on yourself. In my opinion say what's important. You're terrified of lightbulbs? That one can wait. You're a very jealous person? Might want to mention that one. There will be time to bring out the little things, and later on it keeps it interesting. It's refreshing to find out something new about someone you've been with a long time. It's also a little scary because you thought you knew them and change is unnerving. I think finding a good balance between what you state upfront and what you withhold for the right moments is key.

goa new phone :) EnV2. EnV3 wasn't much more but I really didn't like it as much aethetically and the only other difference was a 3mp camera instead of 2mp, but that doesn't matter much to me. I say if you really want a quality photo buy a camera.

Our faces change so much from 17-22.

2009-06-14T00:42:21Z

Sometimes I feel like I ruin everything i touch, every person I get to know well. I struggle to master, no to even begin the art of letting go. I hold on too tight, terrified that if i loosen my grasp momentarily they will make decisions that ruin them and me. This is not the way to be. This helps to make everything I'm so afraid of come true. It's so sticky and uncomfortable and just hard to tear yourself from that kind of mindset and take a few steps back. To breathe and say, this person is a person. Their life is not mine to control or steal away. They can and will make their own decisions, many of them I may not agree with. Many of them may hurt me. It's not up to me.

I want so desperately to be a good human being. It seems so hard sometimes. I also feel like so many people don't care very much at all if they're good people or not or about doing the right thing. It's frustrating and disheartening how selfish we can be. Are most humans this way globally? Why are people like this? Why don't people want to be good, i mean really passionately want it, and live it.

the best day

2009-06-06T04:54:19Z

oak bark

2009-06-04T18:01:39Z

Ice air is pouring in from my window. It feels like October. It smells like Oak bark. My mind drifts back to elementary school during the Halloween parade. We'd march around the cement play yard in our tiny costumes and play carnival games. I remember it being cold, but worth it. No, I don't remember that, but that's probably how it was. I'm afraid that if I became a teacher I'd become or come across as one of those obnoxiously overconfident ones that no one truly likes except meek guys and other loudmouthed pony tail wearing, gum chewing, control freaks who adorn khakis, clunky sandals, and a laugh that's much too loud.

She hadn't washed her hair for days. She didn't care whether she was clean or dirty, but usually kept showered so the people she lived with wouldn't start to wonder about her or look down upon her. She knew they wouldn't say anything to her face, but they'd be thinking to themselves "God she's weird and I think she's beginning to smell." She saw the glances they thought they did secretly when she said something they didn't agree with, or something feisty. They were the type of people who read girly magazines with tips on how to paint your nails inside the lines, do your make up like Gwen Stafani, and give better blow jobs. They wore expensive clothes and blamed everything bad that happened on "a reason" and blamed everything good that happened on God. How could she admit to these people who'd long ago thrown their hearts into public storage that she doesn't wash her hair so that she can rub her hand in the grease, smell her fingers, and think of her first boyfriend?

assirac @ 2009-05-08T09:05:00

2009-05-08T16:23:58Z

movies i want to see that come out between may and october. I would have gone longer but looking through all these trailers takes time :)

-angels and demons
-away we go
-whatever works
-harry potter and the half blood prince
-paper heart
-500 days of summer
-Up
- where the wild things are
-youth in revolt (just read the book :) )
-

assirac @ 2009-05-04T20:22:00

2009-05-05T03:30:33Z

pouring rain, hot night.

It's nice to have my own room. Sharing with Nick isn't sharing at all, it's curtains closed 100% of the time and tv on 95% of the time. Depressing conditions for someone like me. He says just go outside, but it's nice to wake up to the sun hitting your face or lay in bed and read by the sunlight.

It's also nice to watch whatever shows I want to on my laptop at night. Lately it's been Heroes, going to watch all 3 seasons through. Random movies here and there as well of course. The privacy of being able to talk on the phone or webcam with friends freely feels good too.

When you have to shut so much down you forget what it's like to feel like yourself. Eventually that part of you disappears all together it seems. Trying to find your way back feels like trying to force yourself awake.

I want to return to that free feeling, and to that part of me that cared so passionately. I don't know if I can yet.

assirac @ 2009-04-10T10:25:00

2009-04-10T18:25:56Z

So tomorrow I head up to Sacramento. El Dorado hills actually. I'll be living at my cousins and working at the frozen yogurt shop my aunt owns. I see on yelp that she doesn't have any jellies. I'm tempted to buy a box of the leechy jellies from costplus before we head up there. Like wtf no jellies? I think i'll see if cost plus has any today. Last I heard, cost plus stopped carrying them cause some dumb ass choked on them.

sloth

2009-04-01T16:38:21Z

I've come to realize that anger is pretty much my only motivation to do anything. If I'm not angry, it's probably not gunna get done. Speaking up, doing something im afraid to do, even getting out of bed in the morning. All fueled by anger either at someone else, something else, or myself. The thing is I get mad often, but it doesn't last for very long at all. So for example I'm terrified of driving busy streets. If i self loathe enough, it's fuel to drive to a store or something but 1/2 way through the drive it wears off and im just terrified again. I wish I had some other form of motivation, but the truth is I guess I just don't care about anything enough to work for it. It's depressing.

Feeling sorry for myself or feeling down however is not a motivation factor. If someone yells at me or says "how the fuck can't you drive yet what's wrong with you?" I just don't even want to bother in the least. It actually kills any motivation I even had in the first place for a while.

dreygun

2009-03-10T16:46:37Z

My friend was bored at work and i asked him to make me something out of food (since he works w/ it) and he made me a tomato dragon. SIQEST THING EVER AMIRITE

either you do or you don't. it doesn't matter either way

2009-03-10T16:42:09Z

No shit. A lot of people have shitty childhoods. and heroin is fun and addictive because it makes you happy. People fucking cry rivers if their childhood wasn't the best time of their life. If youre going to have a shitty time it might as well be when youre young so that it will just get better. Of course she was happier being an addict. It's why people get addicted, the drug or the sex or the video game or the food, whatever it is that someone is addicted to it's because it's making them happy. They enjoy it.

Fucking really? Some people have darker skin than others, get the shit over it.

On that note, nick keeps getting e-mails for a black art show and i was actually kinda surprised to find out we both fe the same way about it. I know the attempt is being made to celebrate black people, but in that there is segragation. It just seems like when there's black this, and female that, people end up comparing things. Oh, that's cool art for a black dude.. or thats a cool band for being girls... or that's a good driver for being asian (rofl). It's like.. why is there this black art show. Why isn't there just an art show and you see and like the art you like and you don't like the art you dont like it doesnt matter the ethnicity of the person who made it. again, i realize it's trying to be about representing and empowering, but in doing that it creates two extremes. One extreme of people who are like BLACK PEOPLE SHIT YEAH BLACK PRIDE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and then on the other side you get 'it's cool art..for a black dude' or 'black people segregate themselves by repping it too hard and leaving everyone else out.' ETCETC blahblahblah .. It's like just stfu and don't even mention the black thing who cares just show your art it should be about the art and not about race imo. Considering it's an.. ART SHOW. Same thing for music "theyre cool for a girl band" I hate that shit, you like the music or you don't like it. Don't say you like it just because theyre chicks even though you probably wouldnt listen to it if it was all dudes in the band and vice versa. You like the art/music or you don't. Reguardless of race or gender, you do or you don't.

its hard to feel strong when there's been so much wrong all along.

2009-02-12T19:10:33Z

i need to start taking photos again for titles like this, because there's nothing else to say

I imagine it's fairly accurate

2009-02-07T06:01:12Z

I was driving along the highway but the car hardly weighed a thing and when i followed the curve on the on ramp we started soaring over the onramp and over the street and off the cliff towards a lake. If you play videogames it was like when you spin and jump at the same time, how you kinda move but you kinda dont. Anyway it was so real and intense and i could hear the vibrations of the air reverberating against the glass and in the backseat was my brother and my dad. my dad looked about 17 and he was a combination of my brother and him in one in a way and we woke him because he was sleeping and with urgency in our eyes said as calmly as we could "we might die" he looked out the window to see us flying towards the lake. He said i love you without missing a beat and I love guinness, I love everyone. We were trying to exclaim out love for all that we knew in the few remaining moments of life we probably had. God it felt real. I knew my life was about to come to an end and it didn't feel like a dream at all. (usually i at least know im dreaming in near death situations.) As the car pummeled down (this all happened extremely quickly) I felt the roller coaster feeling in my stomach as it rose up into my chest. I braced myself for the impact and sai this is it, either i live or I dont. I wonder how the exact moment of impact will feel. Will it hurt? SMACK. We hit the water, my last thought was more of a feeling than a thought which can be roughly translated into the words "well i didnt make it" and i felt myself lose consciousness. I then jerked awake with a racing heart and held my sleeping love.

you = dave

2009-02-06T01:18:56Z

it was the future and most everyone in the cities lived in skyscrapers, they went hundreds of feet in the air but weren't very big rooms. the stairway was in the center and spiraled up and with each step you were passing through a different persons apartment. Our friend was 13 but he had his own flat, his mom was about 20 apartments above. We always laughed at how out of breath he was on the phone or in a video game when he said he had just gone to ask his mom something but now we understood why. His mom was kind of crazy and dressed seductively but in a way that everyone knew she was so easy they didn't want her. The highways were all in tunnels and the 13 year old could drive. he was rich, he had his own chef and brand new silver mustang, the turn offs from the highway were at blazing speeds and sectioned off into different tunnels. It was scary to be in a car moving so fast but it felt somewhat safer in that there was just lit up grey and white tunnels around us instead of the distracting real world that surrounds highways in present times. Next thing I know we're at a park with a ton of people. A huge park in an air bubble. the air outside of the bubble dosn have enough oxygen to sustain us so bubbles were created around most outside facilities with a constant airflow being pumped in. i can't remember this part now.. a few hours go by that i have no recollection of and next thing i know you're on a horse riding around the park and you're about to leave. You lived in a different city. Brian was there too and he'd just been diagnosed with a mental disorder, int he dream it was called pzitsophrenia but that's not what it was, it was something i can't rly describe because it hasn't been properly defined 'yet' i hug him goodbye and i go to hug you goodbye but you're on the god damn horse and you try to inch it closer and closer to me. im short and horses legs can kick me in the head and that's exactly what I was expecting to happen so i was scared. finally you got off of it and hugged me goodbye but we fell over because you were off balance form being ont he horse for so long. it was a big brown and white horse. mostly brown. so we just stayed on the grass and stared at the sky through the bubble and talked for a long time about things i can't remember and then i woke up.

assirac @ 2009-02-04T22:16:00

2009-02-05T06:20:40Z

if we know who we are and we know what we want, why do we procrastinate on getting it?

when you're a mother and sometimes just if you're a woman, you're the one expected to make self sacrifices.

rushing

2009-01-25T20:15:27Z

I'm one of those people who has insane, detailed, never-could-happen-in-real-life/where-the-hell-did-THAT-come-from? dreams almost every night. I would type in here what I remember of them every morning because to be honest they're pretty interesting and I'd like to have a log of them, but by the time I sign on I forget or only remember little parts that don't connect very well together. All I remember from last night's dream is I had a dog I could ride everywhere. In the dream I moved into this apartment that had a few rooms, but only one toilet which was kind of in the middle of the living room so no privacy. I also remember the toilet was bright red. Nick and Aaron were going to move in the apartment too, but they were out and about so I didn't see much of them. There was a girl my age-ish already living there and we got along well, and then there was this golden brown long haired dog that looked like a mix between a cockerspaniel and a lab but bigger.. it's fur was exactly the color of done fish sticks. He talked and let me ride him to places and he ran FAST. I lived in the middle of this insane city. I don't bother describing my dreams usually because words don't give them 1/20th the justice. It was big, and fast, and dirty but in a good way. I rode my dog to this diner and ate with one of the roommates who was already there. Anyway, im leaving out a bunch of sexual stuff, getting arrested and riding on the hood of the cop car while handcuffed to it's windows, etcetc, but I gotta go fill out this application soooo.. basically i saw Monica at the restarant and she was in a club that ate pizzas on Friday and discussed.. something.. not sure what now.. but the club was called YESSS.

yearn

2009-01-24T00:24:54Z