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I've felt constantly isolated since high school by the fact I'm just not as interested in music as everyone else. It seems I was up until high school and then it began to just define so many people. It's just never that impressive to me. I almost always feel as though it is over rated. I could take it or leave it in most cases.

I also feel like when I reach out to people/old friends I am always held at such an arm's length. I don't know why so I can't fix it. I can't seem to penetrate the orb of aqauintenceship to get to friendship.

I just am not a priority in anybody's life right now and that's hard for me, for anyone I think. Everyone needs to feel like they are the first one their friend/someone would call or choose. I feel like an utter outcast. I feel unwelcome and uninvited. I feel like saying these feelings- my feelings-- does/would just make people shy away more because nobody wants to be your friend when you're down.

Negativity is a part of life and I think it's fucking horrible and morally wrong that we're all supposed to hide it and act positive. I fucking hate the once every couple months I do actually reach out to people and say I'm having a rough time they say some vague bullshit like "don't worry, it'll all work out!" Because it's not to make someone feel better genuinely-- it's just to end the conversation because it bums them out.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of losing people I love. I'm tired of loving all of the people in my life more than they love me and prioritizing them higher than they do for me. I'm tired of the lack of empathy people give and the selfish attitudes everyone has. I'm appalled by the lack of courtesy people give and the fact that people will actually say "umm..." and other awkward shit when you pour your heart out to them. Since when were true emotions considered taboo? Since when do we have to only be happy and positive and outgoing and if we happen to feel any other way just say something like "im a little bummed" and then justify it by "but i'll get over it, no sense in dwelling!" Fuck you.

write a little every day to make the block go away

Of course what I think is right isn't going to always be what someone else thinks is right. Even my own self might not agree with myself once enough time or situations have passed It's funny because I don't know why a person would want to live in such a way that they weren't self aware when these changes take place. If you constantly learn and progress you still die and I understand that but isn't that better than nothing? If not just for self fulfillment in the short term?

sometime in october?

in my dream a plane flew overhead the backyard of my mom's bar (California themed), it did a graceful backarch as though made of rubber before shooting directly into the white of the clouds above. it was dusk. 15 mins later from the purple ash of the sky we heard loud booms- as though fireworks were going off. We then saw items falling out of the sky slowly from plastic or tissue parachutes like the ones from the army men toys. We were terrified they were bombs, but after awhile we went in for a closer inspection to see that many were clear beach balls filled with glitter, confetti, fake money, and prizes. Most were chincy toys for kids. It was like easter as we all scrambled to find them all. One was stuffing her pockets with the fake money claiming that it could make her very wealthy if it was from an alien society. We all laughed. Rex (asian) came in nervously to the bar where we had all retreated after the excitement. I was sipping on a brown ale my mom had served me, Cowgirl, classically with a kiffir lime (hold the sugar on the dark brown glass bottle rim). He asked to speak to his mother in the back and she complied. We heard shreiking and wooing and he came out of the door with a smile. We all asked what he told her and was so nervous about saying. He shrugged and threw over his shoulder "I'm gay guys." A lot of us felt like saying "no shit." We slinked into the back room to see the parental reactions. Being gay was common and society had stopped caring anymore than they cared your preference between shrimp and steak, however it still always took a little adjusting for parents who had imagined their child's future so differently. His mother looked dazed and chuckled "Someone get me a drink- any kind!" This was an acceptable reaction in these situations. The attention came off Rex's mom when balloons and confetti burst from the sky. In all of the excitement no one had heard another plane go overhead. The booms began going off again, but this time with larger packages. A huge box of postcards, stationery, and letters which upon further inspection had been fully written, stamped and addressed awaiting to be shipped lay in this box. Another had pieces of a mask to be fitted together.


Walked Guinness along the train tracks again today. It's a nice walk because someone with an ATV flattened a trail into the 3 feet of snow so Guinness can walk easily. I love that a long freight train can go by without warning. Today was the first time I used my ipod or even really listened to music in a really long time. Probably over a year. I listened to Tortoise, Near the Parenthesis, Seasons, Penpals, Pavement, and Small Black. It complimented the walk perfectly.

I love trudging through the snow with my brown leather backpack, snow boots, and Guinness' leash looped around my belt so I can walk him hands free. I like stopping when he stops, letting him sniff whatever for however long. The feeling of my camera around my neck, anticipating the next train.

In my backpack I keep:

A flashlight
First aid kit
Hand warmers
Canned peaches and a spoon
Leftover Christmas chocolates

I hold either strap of my backpack with my hands and tap my fingers along with the music. I check behind me every 10 minutes or so on the trail to make sure no one is behind me, although I'm sure Guinness would alert me.

I lose my mind in plans, goals, methods. How can I get better? I push aside thoughts that make me nervous. I feel good.

Yesterday I heard the train coming before I saw it. I held my camera up, 2 pictures left. I felt my involuntary grin as the red front came in sight. I'm in the middle of nowhere surrounded by trees and snow and track. I snap the first picture. The conductors window approaches me quickly and I snap the last picture as he pulls the trains horn for me and waves.

I smile the whole way back.

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(no subject)

Things to work on:

-Letting go.
-Getting in shape.
-Read more --> write more.
-Put more effort into friendships.